i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
