I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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