Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
