If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
