Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
