you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
