I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
