i just sent this text using only my big toe
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
