Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
