there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
