Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
