All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
