I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
