I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
