So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
