Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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