I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
