i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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