just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
