so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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