who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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