and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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