...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
