i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
