I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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