glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
