Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
