I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
