if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
