I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
