and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
