Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
