Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
