FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
