I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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