Swine flu. Run for my life!
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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