in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
