I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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