my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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