When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
