we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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