In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
