They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
