so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
