My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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