It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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