saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Randomize
