I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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