I wish I could teleport
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't deserve a penis
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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