I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
